Direct Answers – Column for the week of December 30, 2002
Kendra and I have been disabled dating almost six years. For the past three years I have constantly asked myself if she is the one. I can never come up with the answer.
I fantasize about being with other women, and it is not because Kendra lacks beauty. I feel disinterested in intimacy with her, but it was not like that in the beginning. If you asked me three years ago I would have told you I was not missing out on anything. Now that cannot be true.
I guess the biggest problem in my mind’s eye is time. Because we have been together for so long, I’m not sure if I am just staying out of convenience. I am accepted by her family, she is accepted by mine, and our friends think we suit each other perfectly.
I asked my mother about her relationship with my father. She explained they were each other’s best friend. They share the same goals and that works for them. I asked if their sex life was still strong. My mom said they don’t have it nearly as much as in the past, but that it still happens on occasion.
Just recently I went away for a month to work out of the country and met Lissete. We connected on many levels. I promised her I would end things with Kendra when I returned home, and at first I felt great about my decision. In the course of a month Lissete and I made plans for her to come here from Holland.
Then one morning I awoke from a nightmare and felt sick to my stomach. I felt I made a mistake. I felt sick the entire day until I got the nerve to call Kendra. She agreed to meet. Suddenly I was quick to make things work with Kendra, and we decided to give it a second try.
I told Kendra about Lissete. She was upset, of course, but understood it was over in my head. Now here I am, one month later. The first few weeks were great, but I feel us slipping back to where we were. I can only think of the other girl. Lissete was heartbroken and tried to warn me this would happen, but I wouldn’t listen.
Now I don’t know what to do. Kendra will never break up with me, leaving me to do the dirty work if it has to be done. Who is to say I wouldn’t have the same sex boredom problem with the other woman. Once again I find myself asking if I should just marry this woman who loves me to death and go on with life.
Ward, whoa! Can you hear what you’re saying? Things were not right with Kendra so you ended it. You felt you deserved better. Then things were wonderful with Lissete until you felt the burden of her arrival.
Getting back together with Kendra was the easiest way to prevent that, but breaking up again is not dirty work. It is solving a problem you created. People say the grass is always greener on the other side, but that is not quite right. It is only when things are wrong in our own yard that the other side looks more inviting.
What gives things value is our emotional attachment to them. It is what makes a job not a job but a calling. But without that emotional connection things always get boring. Without love there is no lasting passion.
What you love you can do again and again, never getting bored. It isn’t boring to be with someone you really love. If your passion is horses, you never get bored with horses. The movie you love, you have seen more times than you can count. But movies which are no more than special effects are boring. There is nothing to care about.
Wayne & Tamara